Brief In Time
by DsirinWsdm
Summary: A Smile's Clarity" - As the End draws near, a would-be savior ponders his fate until delivered a reprieve from an unlikely source.


Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is the creation of Hideaki Anno. Evangelion is the property of said creator, its publishers and distributors. No infringement is intended. This is a work of fanfiction and no profit is being made. 

"abc" - Spoken 

_"abc" - Thought_

**Brief In Time:**

**A Smile's Clarity**

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_"Life is pain... so much pain..."_

Is the sentiment currently felt by one Shinji Ikari: Student, Child, Savior. He's been seen as all these things, but what he wants more than anything is to be seen as... a Friend... a Loved One... a Son... 

_"Friends, I don't have anybody left I can call my friend. Nobody... Ayanami... I can't go see her again. I don't have the courage to face her, now. I don't even know how to talk or act around her now. Asuka... Misato... Mother... What can I do? What can I do?"_

With these and many other thoughts running rampant through his mind, a simple yet eloquent question leaves his lips as the turmoil in his heart and mind gives way to a moment of clarity. 

"Why?" 

The simplest of questions, the purest of questions, and sometimes the hardest one to answer. 

"Why did I stay... why didn't I run? Why..." 

With the setting sun in the horizon, Shinji looks out over the lake created by the selfless act of his friend and fellow pilot, Rei Ayanami. 

"But, is she really my friend? Have I actually been a friend to her? Would a friend be afraid of her, knowing what I know? I'm actually afraid of her and yet..." 

He quiets down as overwhelming feelings of sorrow and emptiness returns at the thought that she had died protecting his pathetic existence. Yet, she still lives now a source of fear and confusion within his fragile heart. He also remembers the feelings of disgust upon witnessing the contents of that tank in Central Dogma. 

_"But, disgust at what... it's contents... no... my reaction... maybe... Father... yes..."_

The thought of his father and his actions brings a tear to his eye. The man whose love and respect... no, whose slightest acknowledgment he'd kill for and has. 

_"The Angels..."_

The thought of his victims brings a bitter taste to his lips, as the taking of a life is horrible no matter whose or for what cause. The pain, he and his comrades have endured, no longer seems worth it with the recent events and revelations firmly in mind. 

"Asuka's in a coma... Rei's... Rei... and Misato. She's busy... burying herself in work. I don't blame her. It's great to have something to run and hide in, but where do I go? Where's my hiding place?" 

This question brings him back to his original query... 

"Why... why do I stay?! Why am I standing here... I can just go back to the apartment, pack my bags and run! I did it once, I could do it again. I could escape this nightmare... so why?!" 

He sighs dejectedly as he realizes he has actually tried to run twice... 

_"After the fourth and again after..."_

He smiles bitterly at the thought of his friend, and now former fellow pilot, Toji Suzahara. 

"I should have gone and seen him... I'm such a coward." 

A silence descends over the shoreline as Shinji gets lost within the setting sun's reflection glistening in the waves. He smiles slightly, a sad smile... but a smile. As, the sounds of the waves lapping against the shore brings to mind the defeat of the 11th Angel by Ritsuko and her crew; and the ordeal Asuka and Rei went through in order to get him ashore following their ejection from the Angel-infected simulation plugs. 

He can still remember Asuka's refusal to let Rei swim over to his plug in order to assist him, because of their current lack of attire and what she deemed was too much temptation for a pervert like him. 

He also remembers the scream of shock she emitted when Rei calmly stated... _"It is nothing he hasn't seen before."_

"She sure can be blunt when she wants to be." 

He laughs remembering the slight smile that graced Rei's lips following Asuka's shocked and appalled reaction, or at least what could be taken for a smile in Rei's case. In the end, they agreed... more like Asuka ordered... that they each take an arm and together they would float him to shore. Of course, Asuka made him close his eyes at risk of disembowelment if she saw him open even one eye. 

Despite the risk, he took a quick peek as they neared the shore and saw the most beautiful sight he's ever seen. From the position of floating on his back, he looked up to see the massive ceiling of the Geofront in the distance. The beauty of it's simulated night sky framed by the lit spiraling train rails, that run along the domes sides, looking like shooting stars was not lost upon the mostly cynical and depressed young man. 

But, it was not this sight that caused him to stare in awe, as he actually gasped when gazing upon the side profiles of probably the two most important people in his life; he was captivated as their naked forms, bathed in the simulated moonlight, appeared to hover besides him. But, what truly burned it's self into his memory was their... 

"Smiles?!" 

He says this aloud, shocked, nearly yelling, as if blessed with the key to unlocking the secrets of the universe. 

"They where smiling." 

That night he saw something that he will never forget for as long as he lives, which might not be that long being a "Child" and all. Contentment... that's the best way to describe the looks upon their faces. 

Despite the fact, that they where both cold, tired, and naked... they where content. Their contentment, while helping him none the less, aloud him to float there, enjoying the feelings of weightlessness and warmth, provided by the lake's gentle current and close proximity to his female cohorts. 

"They where smiling... when else, have I seen them smile?" 

And, it's with this question that all becomes clear, as various memories and images flood his mind. 

_"Welcome Home."_

_"Why don't you just try smiling?"_

_"Idiot! You show off!"_

Three separate occasions... each time an action on his part caused a smile to grace the lips of those special to him. Misato, when he didn't run away and remained in Tokyo-3. Rei, when upon his request she graced him with a smile, he's sure none but his father had seen before. And, Asuka, who actually smiled at him and not in a sarcastic or predatory manner, when he dove in after her following the failed capture of the 6th Angel. 

Three Actions... Three Woman... Three Smiles... 

"I want them to smile... I want them to be happy... I want them to be happy because of me. But..." 

His disposition sours suddenly as if for each of those precious moments of brief joy, he remembers a moment of fear, pain, distrust, insincerity, or doubt. 

As memories of all those moments of darkness continue to contrast the moments of light... a simple question comes to mind. 

_"Does a smile really have such a power?"_

A power strong enough to counter all the fear... the pain... the distrust... the insecurities... the doubt... 

Then, as if an answer from heaven above, a few notes of Beethoven's 9th Symphony catches his ear. He looks to his left to find a young man sitting upon one of the various pieces of debris that litter the lake. 

He's so captivated by the melody that he nearly misses as the young man speaks. 

"A song is good." 

"What?" Shinji questions, clearly confused by this young man's sudden appearance. 

"Singing brings joy and revitalizes the human soul. I think that song is the greatest achievement of the Lilium culture. Don't you agree, Shinji Ikari?" 

The young man turns to face him revealing a familiar pair of crimson red orbs, he would not let the sight distract him now, but would dwell upon them at a later moment. 

"How do you know my name?" he questions, a tone of distrust clearly evident. 

"Everyone knows your name. I don't mean to sound rude, but you're rather ignorant to your own position." the stranger states, not a hint of malice present. 

"Oh... and who are you?" Shinji replies, still uncertain of this odd individual. 

"I'm Kaworu Nagisa. I'm like you... one of the chosen children, the Fifth Child." 

A moment of confusion and blind panic quickly comes and goes in the blink of an eye as he speaks... 

"You're the Fifth Child? Um, Mr. Nagisa?" 

"Call me Kaworu, Mr. Ikari." he playfully retorts. 

"Mr. Ikari?! Oh, no... you can call me Shinji." 

And, with that introductions are complete and pleasantries put aside, as his earlier question comes to mind a midst the confusion, distrust, and uncertainty brought upon by the appearance of this Kaworu Nagisa. 

_"Does a smile really have such a power?"_

In that following moment, his question would be answered as Kaworu Nagisa, the Fifth Child, smiled at him. And, in that moment, deep within his heart and soul he hears a resounding... 

_"Yes... Yes, it does."_

**_There are many kinds of smiles, each having a distinct character. Some announce goodness and sweetness, others betray sarcasm, bitterness and pride; some soften the countenance by their languishing tenderness, others brighten by their spiritual vivacity. _**

- Johann Kasper Lavater

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**The End**


End file.
